Technology
Agriculture
Architecture
Finance
Media
Pharmacuitical
CFC
CFC is a multinational corporation with diverse offerings throughout the USA, UK, Australia and South America. With interests in Pharmaceutical, Media, Technology, Agriculture, and Finance, CFC strives to exploit the Earth’s natural resources in a 'holistic' way whilst maintaining a low impact to environmental 'optics'.
Pharmaceutical
From 1979, CFC’s Pharmaceutical
division pioneered several
experimental drugs, most notably
Azmov15, Berserker and the fast
acting pain reliever, Tetamol.
Tetamol has a strong market
share in some parts of Mexico
and Africa, and is popular due
to its absence of side effects, exceptions being stuttering and occasional loss of bowel control. This is usually short lived and can be easily remedied by spending time outdoors, or an isolation tank.
Similarly, Berserker, a powerful pain inhibitor, renders the patient with no feeling at all in the extremities. While, initially, this might sound undesirable, this is very useful in treating ailments such as Motor Accidents, frostbite or small human blisters. Normal feeling returns to the body within two weeks. The drug’s name, Berserker, comes from early tests, before the compound was made stable. Patients would sometimes think they were being attacked by bears, resulting in extreme fight or flight response.
The controversial Azmov 15 has an interesting effect where patients feel as though they can travel forwards and backwards in time. This is useful for sufferers of traumatic incidents since it allows patients to relive past moments they feel they need to readdress or come to terms with.
Experimental advances in hair growth in 2003, via the growth hormone DX9, yielded extremely promising results until, when tested on mice, it was found to cause hair to grow inside the body. This unfortunate side effect was quickly solved in subsequent rollouts led to good sales in the 1990s.
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Marketing
Beginning in the 1970s with System Seven, the domestic computer ‘entertainment and influence’ system, CFC’s commitment to leveraging ‘psyco-opportunity’ has been ongoing and much celebrated.
CFC has grown disciplined in broadcast and non-broadcast media, including Television, Radio, Print, Digital Direct Response, PR and Programmatic. Heading up the Department is Professor Earnest Young, a founder of the Brandulation Marketing School. Earnest also held senior positions at such marketing firms as Ad-Buzz, Pea & Ham, and Wormhole Media. Earnest is a practitioner of the Motion Marketing Method, a communications theory he invented which has roots in Freudian psychology and dance movement.
Finance and Investment
Many people have become frustrated with the traditional 'tried and true' investing strategies. With CFC’s patented TTLS technology we will soon be able to offer returns unrivalled by traditional funds. Using advanced financial models, extensive data tracking, and real time analytics we also have the advantage of leveraging CFC's Technology department, exploring cutting edge A.I. systems and TTLS (time travel leverage solutions) in an effort to realise far greater returns than our competitors.
We all know the adage: 'There's no better investment strategy than time". We will literally harness this power, by taking your funds, travelling backwards in time, investing with the benefit of reduced inflation.
Then, upon returning to the present, were able to 'harvest' compounded interest in a way that's never been harnessed before. This approach will offer a unique investment opportunity, and we feel confident we will be able to offer our customers this incredible opportunity in the near future.
Media
Our Film, Television and Publishing arms are all highly regarded.
Reality TV was big news again this year. CFC’s hit show, “Australia You’re Really Scaring The Hell Out Of Me” proved a solid favourite with the suburban heartland. As was the series, “Werewolf Wedding” and “Terrorist Boss”. Both series have been recommissioned for extra seasons.
CFC recently published the self help guide, Game Your Game. It encourages a 7-step plan to a 'new better, business persona', covering such techniques as “personality amplification” and a chapter on how to get your way using “charm attack”. Author, Jim Wiseman says, “If you have the will power you can easily change your whole personality, iron out any
CEO, Calvin Funkuncle
idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and become just like a guy or woman on TV.” One devotee, Lisa Duwalt comments, “I was concerned at first that it was changing my personality for the worst, but then I realized it was really helping me make money. Her husband agreed, "We bought a new couch since Lisa started behaving differently”. Game your Game is available from CFC Publishing.
Agriculture
CFC believes it is in the best interests of customers to make significant investments in the emerging advanced animal technology sector now, locally and internationally, to leverage food shortages and reduced seed availability.
During the 1990s, CFC’s Food Divison made huge advances in food technology, particularly in the dairy, wheat and confectionary markets. The flagship product in this sector was ‘Larry’, the Lizard Chameleon, a chocolate frog capable of blending into its surroundings.
At the 2022 Royal Agricultural Show, we won “Best New Food”, for our hybrid vegetable,‘Truffle Sprouts’.
Technology
Beginning in the 1970s, with System Seven, a domestic computer ‘entertainment and influence’ system, CFC went on to experiment in computer and tech products for domestic, commercial and military use.
Advancements in Biotechnology are now being exploited with a particular focus on Nano Bionics. Primarily, we expect these microscopic robots will be used in the medical field. Introduced intravenously into the bloodstream they can be directed through blood vessels to damaged or infected tissues. After initial tests with rats and dogs, our scientists have begun trails on human patients. In the first experiment of its kind, a patient, Ken Simmonds, was treated for a rare muscular disorder in his knee. Waking up after the six hour operation, he reported a complete absence of pain in his leg. The only negative aspect of the test was the scientists were unable to rescue the nano-bot which still resides in Ken’s knee and can, on occasion, cause his leg to kick out uncontrollably. Curiously, this is exacerbated at high altitudes, for example, during aircraft flight. On one occasion, the patient reported kicking an airline stewardess down the aisle, and was briefly arrested before his condition was explained.
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Last year CFC began to build an inexpensive jet propulsion system, designed for everyday use but after extensive research discovered its market limited. In addition, the capital-intensive nature of the experiment disadvantaged the company leading to decreased growth and regrettably loss of revenue and staff.
Time Travel : Edward J. Funkuncle Snr was one of the first entrepreneurs to seriously consider the possibilities of Time Travel for domestic use. The idea, taken up with equal vigor by his son, Calvin, has been consistently researched for over twenty years by our Time Travel Department (TTD). The advantages in successful implementation of time travel would obviously be vast, especially in the travel and finance sector, something CFC is currently exploring.
While the Melbourne Age criticised the company of being “shrouded in secrecy” this is an exaggeration, in fact we welcome the
day we can share our
developments with the
world as soon as the
time is deemed
appropriate. Far from
the esoteric pondering
of other scientific
bodies, CFC’s focus
has been the research, development, and manufacturing of a “Domestic Time Transporter” (DTT).
While we are highly secretive of the specific details of our technical developments and equipment we expect to unveil a prototype in the near future. Head of the Department, William Frazer has led the team for the last ten years and say,"We're very close to time shifting into the past and advancing forward in time may come soon after." By products of this research may also prove valuable. Several experiments have become news in the scientific community, firstly the theory of the “Hanson Curve” and a controversial experiment in 1987, which came to be known as the “The Twister Incident”.
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​If you think your business could benefit from consultation with CFC's award winning team, please reach out today at: funkuncleproductions@gmail.com
CFC Holdings Pty Ltd. 2024 Projections and probabilities are for illustrative purposes only and may change at any time. Medical and financial claims are subject to change may differ under real life conditions. All rights reserved.
