cfc   agri pharmo media
 

 

 

 

CFC is a multinational corporation with diverse interests throughout the world, extending into the atmosphere and right down into the soft underbelly. Experimenting in Agriculture, Technology, Investment, Pharmaceutical & Special Media.

History. Initially, founded in 1967 by, artist and writer, Edward J. Funkuncle, the company began its life as a manufacturer of Spandex.

Steady, if slow, growth propelled the company over the next twenty years, initially based on 1970s fashion styles, or as Mr Funkuncle quipped, “I made my start based solely on the existence of Rod Stewart”, The original business expanded and peaked, in the late 1980s, largely due to world fashion styles driven by popular culture and the proliferation of “Hair Metal” bands, particularly artists such as Bon Jovi, Poison and Whitesnake. Following this productive period, the company experienced several years of “reverse-growth” until it was taken over by Edward’s only son, Calvin Funkuncle.

A legendary risk taker, long distance runner and amateur magician, he saw opportunity at every crossroads. Known for his impressive hand-eye coordination (he also claims cat-like night vision), he punctured the business ceiling with shear willpower and a small loan financed by a Hungarian colleague of his father’s known as Mystery Kevin.

Calvin soon diversified the company into new areas of special interest to himself such as Agriculture, Technology, and 'special media ' (Soft Pornography) as well as- controversially- advanced technologies such as Time Travel.

Calvin Funkuncle: “People have ridiculed me and CFC for our innovations, but the laughing will stop when one of these breakthrough technologies is realized. In 1920 people would have laughed at the idea of the television, just as we today think moving in time and space is an impossibility, or at least far off. CFC aren't as far off as some 'experts' will have you believe. Ironically its those Trekkies that have it right. Maybe not the mental clothes, but some of it...”

With interests in Australia, Britain and the USA, Calvin Funkuncle Corporation (CFC) strives to exploit natural resources to their full extent, while, at the same time, listening to the world with both ears.

Our offer is diverse. Let's begin with a highlight. Perhaps one of the company’s most interesting exploits is in the world of technology. Experimental advances in hair growth in 2003, for example, yielded extremely high returns for investors until the growth hormone DX9, when tested on mice, was found to cause stuttering, memory loss and depression. One mouse in particular was almost impossible to get out of a heavy funk, which raised questions about the experimental hormone’s worth on the domestic market. But CFC carries on.

Last year CFC began to build an inexpensive jet propulsion system, designed for the common man but after extensive research discovered its market limited to several couples in Texas. In addition, the capital-intensive nature of the experiment disadvantaged the company leading to decreased growth and regrettably loss of revenue and staff.

CFC Agriculture believes it is in its best interests to make significant investments in the emerging advanced animal technology sector now, locally and internationally, to leverage food shortages and reduced seed availability. That sounds awful when you say it like that but it’s nowhere near as bad as people make out.

During the 1990s, CFC’s Food Divison made huge advances in food technology, particularly in the confectionary market; creating chocolate frogs capable of jumping, croaking and poisoning their attackers. Wealso developed a Cola which makes men attractive to women, though the project was hampered when key scientists ran off with their female assistants and started a cult known as The Rabbit Collective.

Our policy is ‘Food should taste good even when it’s largely made of chemicals.’ And with that in mind we created ‘Brocolate’ a form of Broccoli which tastes for all intents and purposes like chocolate. Similarly ‘Truffle Sprouts’, look like Brussel sprouts but taste of Rum Truffles. ‘Flabbage’ was less popular, a form of cabbage injected with saturated fats.

At the 1999 Royal Agriculture Show we won “Best New Food”, “Best Old Food” and “Best Food With Traces of Nuts”. Technology The world is changing fast. Sometimes, down here, we feel like a caveman riding a jet ski. But luckily CFC is ready to meet your engineering needs. If you need to re-tool a three segment rocket propelled monkey robot, we can fulfill your requirements from design to implementation.

Fixture design and assembly, prototype development, ham injection molding and general mechanical design problem solving are all part of our growing skill set. We’ve developed a realistic fur factory, monkey-sonics lab and lazer monkey teeth shaper. Last year we made a giant 100 foot high monkey-lady that could walk and talk and push a shopping cart.

Let our years of experience work for you to solve problems on your complex parts & assemblies while you sit back listening to old Prince albums. But we don’t just make large monkeys like some other highly respected companies.

Our bio-tech department made a tiny dog which we were able to inject into the human bloodstream. There it was able to walk around and destroy dangerous diseases. It was also able to bring them back and once we rubbed off the dog-drool our researchers could analyze several important data-hampers. CFC’s climate controlled quality inspection department is usually completely empty so we have a table tennis table in there.

Our highly trained staff ensures the accuracy of each component manufactured and will be happy to play table tennis with you during down time. We recommend teaming up with Mary who wears low cut tops. We also have a wicked Karaoke machine out back. CFC’s commitment to operational excellence and 150% customer satisfaction checklist positions us to add superior value while acting as a true manufacturing banana shaped hub. Ice cream is also available to long time contractors or scientists.

Pharmaceutical. At CFC’s Pharmaceutical division we have pioneered several experimental drugs, most notably Azmov15, Berserker and the fast acting pain reliever, Funkacetamol. Funkacetamol has a strong market share in some parts of Mexico and Africa, and is popular due to its absence of side effects. Exceptions being stuttering and occasionally thinking you are a Monkey King. This is usually short lived and can be easily remedied by spending time outdoors, or preferably the forest. Similarly, Berserker a pain inhibitor but with much stronger effects, rendering the patient with no feeling at all in the extremities. This is useful in treating ailments such as Frostbite or small human blisters. Normal feeling returns to the body within two years. The drug’s name, Berserker, comes from early tests, before the compound was made stable. Patients would sometimes think they were being attacked by bears and flail around in the manner of a crazed weasel.

Azmov 15 has an effect where patients feel as though they can travel forwards and backwards in time. This is useful for sufferers of traumatic incidents since it allows patients to relive past moments they feel they need to readdress or come to terms with. In one experiment, a patient went back and relived her divorce, only this time when she left the house she took the kitchen silverware and old Abba albums. It is also quite popular at parties.

Nano Bionics are a relatively new field at CFC. Primarily, these microscopic robots will be used in the medical field. Introduced intravenously into the bloodstream they can be directed through blood vessels to damaged or infected tissues. After initial tests with rats and dogs, our scientists have begun trails on human patients. In the first experiment of its kind, a patient, Ken Simmonds, was treated for a rare muscular disorder in his knee. Waking up after the six hour operation, he reported a complete absence of pain in his leg. The only negative aspect of the Itest was the scientists were unable to rescue the nano-bot which still resides in Ken’s knee and can, on occasion, cause

his leg to kick out uncontrollably.

Curiously, this is exacerbated at high altitudes, for example, during aircraft flight. On one occasion, the patient reported kicking a Qantas stewardess down the aisle, and was briefly arrested before his condition was explained.  Investment Funkuncle is a multinational multi- disciplined corporation with diverse interests throughout the world. We own several boxes full of gold trinkets in the shape of lizards. So is it any wonder financial wizards turn to CFC when it comes to investing? Our Personal Bankers take charge of your portfolio and breath heavily on it, before giving it a dressing down and finally, if necessary, a firm brisk leveraging.

We invest in diverse stock: mining, gold, real estate, chicken fillets, string, epoxy resin, art, paint chips, wood chips, potato chips and good old fashioned cashola. CFC can offer you one of our managed portfolios or simply give you a helping hand with a good slap in the winter months. When steam was invented CFC was there. And we'll be there when the next big thing comes along, too. So you can be sure to be on the investment bandwagon and not in the bus of disappointment, looking at your friends as you roll past you on your grey office chair.

Opportunity can take you by surprise and really make you look like a fat loser so you need to be on your toes and stretching your business-ankles at all times. The economic crisis of late is leaving everyone feeling like they’ve just eaten a whole bucket of greasy fried chicken in a dark room on their own but don’t despair. This is the time to get on your business horse and stick a long spear in your competitor's soft belly. It's all so much more possible when you have the Funkuncle advantage.

Investment & Finance Division identifies long-term investment opportunities in real estate, agriculture and the technology sector. We ensure we align with our specific risk and return requirements, and realize such investments efficiently and effectively accruing growth to shareholders in the form of direct financial returns such as dividends, cash bonuses, free drinks and showbags.

Cal Funkuncle claimed as far back as 2007, “We basically think we better get in quick now while it lasts because the shit’s going to hit the fan sooner or later”.

Advanced Industries. (Time Travel.) Edward J. Funkuncle was one of the first entrepreneurs to seriously consider the possibilities of time travel for domestic use. Despite this interest it always remained a dream. The idea, taken up with equal vigor by his son, Calvin Funkuncle, has now been consistently researched for over twenty years by our Advanced Industries - Temporal Extrusion Department. While the Melbourne Age criticized the company of being “shrouded in secrecy” this is an exaggeration, in fact we welcome the day we can share our developments with the world as soon as the time is deemed appropriate.

Far from the esoteric ponderings of other scientific bodies, CFC’s focus has been the research, development, and manufacturing of a “Household Time Transporter”. While we are highly secretive of the specific details of our technical developments and equipment we expect to unveil a prototype in the near future. Head of the Department, William Frazer has led the team for the last ten years apart from six months last year when he took a sabbatical and moved to Sweden.

Several experiments have become news in the scientific community, firstly the theory of the “Hanson Curve” and a controversial experiment in 1987, which came to be known as the “Reverse Leg Incident.

CFC Media pounded the media landscape last year with several mind bombs, basically turning the ratings period upside down. Our Film, Television and Publishing arms are all highly regarded, especially during Spring when we have the media baseball match and in summer! Reality TV was big news again this year.

Funkuncle’s hit show, “Australia You’re Really Scaring The Shit Out Of Me” proved a solid favourite with the suburban heartland. As was the series, “My Ass is Two sizes Too Big For This Dress and I have a Wedding in Two Days”. Both series have been recommissioned for extra seasons in the coming year. CFC also continues its research into virtual actors and we can now confirm we have created a life size robot which can sing, dance and over-act simultaneously. It is only be a matter of months before it can be deployed on a film set, though initial tests were hampered the leading actress ran away with the prototype which she came to call “Big Neil”.  

Go forth. Go Funkuncle!

     
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PACKAGED MAIL: CFC. C/O: KEOGH DIV, 3RD FLOOR, 474 ST KILDA ROAD. MELBOURNE. VICTORIA. AUSTRALIA. 3004.
TMD. 3834923855DF 98 CALVIN FUNKUNCLE CORPORATION (TRADING CFC) IS A REGISTERED AUSTRALIAN COMPANY 2013 INITIAL GG7 RATING PASSEDTHROUGH THE THETA NELSON PROTOCOL 2005 XXL  
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